Monday, July 16, 2012

The unspoken words.

Listening to Beyoncé - Medley (Sweet Dreams ,Dangerously in love, Sweet Love) 

How do I start? I confronted the boy I like. Not a girl's attempt I know. I just wanted to let him know that I like him because what if there is no tomorrow ? Relationship, it's a huge word because of all the commitments that is going to be connected. I am not asking for it at the moment, it will be ridiculous if I were to asked. What do I know about him? What do I know about what he thinks? but then of course on my side I had my questions too. Why do I feel such way towards him? Why one glance of him can make me smile? Why Why Why? The only way I could find at least a clue for that is, talk to him. So yes, I did ! We sat and spoke accompanied by another friend. Yes, we had a friend with us. I had no idea why until he told that he was worried I might cry or get hurt with his words. Seriously, I was prepared for everything. If I was not, I wouldn't had even make any move. I mean his presence wasn't a problem at all. He is like my brother, so yea he wanted me to have and my questions answered as well. I am not going to talk about how the whole conversation went by but as much as I don't want to think about certain questions or statement that caught my attention, I can't let it go. I am an observer but my head doesn't stop thinking. The only way, pour it out. I wish I can have a friend to do it with, but after one incident I rather do it like this or just say it to him. Girlfriend , who didn't keep my silly acts to yourself. Thank you !

"I don't go for pretty faces!" I heard that speed brake sound inside my head. First thing first, you can't judge a person by their face right ? How do you explain the not so pretty faces ? I am very sure every girl would wake up, look at the mirror and say "Good morning, gorgeous" to themselves. Even if you are with a not so pretty face, you are still going to call her beautiful. Pretty face ? Oh boy ! Relating it to me, I look at myself and say "Good morning, Diva" and yes self confidence, I have a very pretty face. I am looking at his face and talking but I could feel I only have half a smile. Every girl, is beautiful in their own way. Face don't portray love and care. It's the heart. Go for the pretty heart because the not so pretty heart is going to hurt you my dear. This statement did not hurt me by any way but it just got me thinking.

"If a blind girl needs me, I will marry her" " <3 " You have a very good heart. Compliments ! Needs vs Love ? I lose the battle again. I have no say to this but my feelings was not considered. I can't argue with your good heart but then again my love still lost to a need. That blind girl must be lucky. *I smiled to myself*
"I don't mind marrying a non-virgin as long as she changes". Seriously sweetheart, hats off to you for your kind heart. I know you want to help, you want to help a lot. You know the girl you are telling all this too, sitting in front of you listening? She is a virgin and she is nice and she don't have to change and your are hers in her dream and a dream in her reality. That's how it is working now because your mind is taking control because your heart failed you once. Balance it baby, I've been through that road. I know how it feels. I am not here to break your heart or take advantage of you. It's just pure love. L.O.V.E ! :)

"You are just like Renee, take 1", "You are just like Renee, take 2" I feared for the third one. Somehow I saw it coming. As I was talking to him I wonder how come my cousin's name was not mentioned. Dang ! "Sometimes, I look at Renee I am jealous that why she did not love me" HAHAHAHA, Ouch ! Okay that hurts not a little but yes a lot but then I have the ability to fix my heart quickly so I continued talking like it wasn't a matter at all. A sweet, loving, bubbly, cheerful, happy, funny and I can go on to describe her. Which guy wouldn't want her and how come they boy who sees her in me did not have the thought. Hey, Kesher your head thinks alot. He had. It was like a slap on my face. I love my sister and I like the boy. What if in the future the boy I like likes/loves the sister I love? I know it's stupid but I have to think of it. No, I did not imagine it because I will break down terribly. Where does my feelings fit in now ? No, I am not Renee I am Reena. We just have the same way of dealing and loving people around us. Blood vs Heart.

"Daddy's little princess" Yes, I am. At the same time I am an elder sister to my younger brother. Elder vs Sacrifice. No, my dad is not going to give me everything and what kind of a daughter will I be to actually rely on that ? We've lost it and gained it together. It's okay my parents have suffered enough. I will have to take the lead now. I will have to do it on my own because it reflected on me already. I saw them fight through everything and I am NOT going to take advantage of their hard work and pain. My brother? Yes, he is a man and he has to stand on his own feet. I am proud to say he has already started. As an elder sister, of course I want the best for him. I don't have to mention anything but if you are a elder one you will have to sacrifice. You can't be greedy and say you own it la adding to it just because I am a girl. No, it doesn't work that way.

Religion? Oh yes, it was in as well because the handsome fluffy teddy bear boy that I fell for is a Christian. KA BOOM ! Who me? Eye yam yen Yindian ! >.<  Religion vs Love. I leave it to the Almighty up there because HE knows the best. Well, this part right here I have spoken straight to him because I felt that it was needed. I dont have any disease, I am just Indian. I am not saying I am giving up my religion for him but I am sure there was a reason for all this. One glance, One smile, One joy? It must have a reason right. As I said I am not going to argue or comment about this because HE will decide.

I can't explain why I feel this way or why I like him but then it's just beautiful. I like this whole roller coaster thing I am going through. I can't plan myself to like someone. It just happens, out of control. Then you wake up. Yes, I woke up and smiled. It might just be test that HE is giving me from up there and it also maybe something that is here to stay till eternity. I don't know. All I know is that I need to accept what is going to happen. My teddy bear has big dreams, I like the whole idea of it. Something that I can relate to because as he himself said great minds think alike. Of course I will have things I will want to do first. But theeeeennnnnn, in my head I was like why not give each other some space and see how it goes? maybe we can do things together. Good deeds, charity and all right. Sounds so fun and blessed.

Oh ya one more thing I almost forget. He also said that he and I are deep thinkers and if we end up together we might argue and that wont be a healthy relationship because the next girl he falls in love with must be the girl he be married with. You think I want to be with a lot of men then marry? NO WAY ! It depends on situations and arguments and of course as a well behaved girl, I know when to shut up because of a word call RESPECT towards the man you love. I have been brought up with values too and I learned a lot from my parents. I think like my dad and love like my mom. If you get to know me then it will reflect or else no la of course cannot see. About his mummy and daddy, yes I do think of them I have too because if I am going to be with him I am not marrying him but his family as well. Sweet right? I know. Hahaha. Too much of this chapter happens at home. My parents are moulding me to be a good girlfriend/wife/mother & daughter in law. They say I have to be prepared...Huahuahua... *shy face* *wink wink* =P

Research about him using my eyes as an observer is still going good, I like what I see. Okay as an observer I don't just see the outside, I look beyond it. Yes, I can catch those small little things too. It's fun.. try and see, you will know why because you will never get bored of seeing what you like. Well, while talking about the whole thing I still did not get the answer I need until he said "If we are meant to be, GOD will send me to you, NO I myself will come to you. Sweet right ? but he call himself old and boring.. Who said so ! He also mentioned about the all those sweet fantasy love moment/situations and dates. Well, I think we have passed all those stage. A simple love story and eventually we will know what to do with it. Love as it is. Just fine and beautiful, you and me. Che wahhhhhh ! :D

There is hope I wont say no but not in a high percentage but in a level where I can't still fix my broken heart and smile. Life as it is. This is just my part of view. Not an argument. If I make up my mind to let you read, it means I just want to convey this message to you. No heart feelings, no forcing, no judgements. Opinions differs and this is mine. We shall just leave it to God/Future/Life to decide for us. I come in peace with our hearts which have been broken before. It's not easy I know. It takes a lot of time. You know I don't believe in tomorrow. So right now, this is what it is. There will be no regrets for the fact that I like you. Your great mind which made me think differently and that smile just by looking at you. Little smile that made a huge change. Since day one, you have been in my prayers and will continue to be. I am sorry it there is anything wrong being stated up there. I cant argue for alot of things with you because you are just to cute to fight with. I am blessed to meet in my life for the second time after the first interval.

If there is more tomorrow and I am still living in it, remember it still feels the same. I am here to cater to you but if we are not meant to be. Your presence is very much appreciated. I like sitting and talking to you. You speak the truth and you speak sincerely. That's all that matters but many are blinded by temptation. Yes, we should take it slow. I will take it slow. It's too early to say anything but we spoke about the whole entire thing. So, I feel it's okay for me to say what's on my mind. So much right? Hahaha. God bless you, Hulk boy ! :)